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A little humour - November 2008
A friend of mine has decided to adjust his business to the current economic climate and he sent me his projected communiqué to his staff, in order to have my feedback. The following is what he intends to send to his employees. Any comments? You can email them to me at the bottom of the page.
DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, WE HAVE A NEW OFFICE and NEW OFFICE POLICIES
Dress Code:
- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sent for psychiatric treatment under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy, projecting the right corporate image.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a company provided Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
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Again, any comments or suggestions for my friend are welcome here:
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