A little English humour - March 2003
Here's an amusing selection of confused cross-examinations from courts in the UK and the United States:
Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.
Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes.
Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. What did she say?
A. What disco am I at?
Q. All of your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What year?
A. Every year.
Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget - can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q. How old is your son - the one living with you?
A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty-five years.
Q. And where was the location of the accident?
A. Approximately milepost 499.
Q. And where is milepost 499?
A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q. Sir, what is your IQ?
A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?
A. After the accident?
Q. Before the accident.
A. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at the time?
Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male, or a female?
Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30P.M.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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