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Top Tips - September 2009
Who are you? Who am I?
Many different psychologists have devised a range of ways to describe and classify the different styles of behaviour that people exhibit as they inter-react with others.
Generally, we go through life being ourselves and reacting to others who are also ‘being themselves’. The beauty of classifications is that they help us to understand things better, to recognize patterns and trends, and to ‘frame’ experiences.
A very popular classification was devised Isabel Myers and Katharine Briggs, Isabel’s mother. It is called the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. It’s basis and beginnings were not particularly scientific, but it obviously makes some sense. As with many things that deal with people and understanding people, you have to use a good amount of common sense, know that nothing is constant or set in stone and you have to use it with care.
If you can be consciously aware of your own dominant style, and use each of the different styles as and when appropriate...you will be... a Zen Master!
Here is a slight variation of Myers-Briggs that was devised by Ron Kraybill and that I have found to be useful:
PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE
High assertiveness with Low affirmation
“My preference is... I am also interested in your views.”
I win and you win.
Strategies: Asserts self while also inviting other views; welcomes differences; jointly lists strengths and weaknesses of all views; cooperates in seeking additional information.
Source of power: From trust, skill, ability, goodwill, creativity.
Benefits: Trust and mutuality in relationships, high cooperation, high potential for creativity and growth, others blossom and develop new gifts, energy and joy. This style has immense rewards when successfully used on meaningful issues.
Costs when over-used: Fatigue and time loss, distraction from more important tasks, analysis paralysis. Applied to too many trivial issues, it seems like a waste of time and causes people to feel burned out from too much talking.
How to bring out the best in someone who scores high in Problem-Solving
People who use Problem-Solving a lot function best when you are direct and clear with them about what you want and need. They have their opinions and needs, of course, and their preference for Problem-Solving gives them a desire to state them. But they really do want to hear from you as well. If you are put off by their tendency to be direct and clear, particularly if you quickly back off and don’t say what you want, they are likely to get frustrated and anxious.
Too much harmonizing on your part makes them feel like they are directing, which is not at all their desire.
Let them know that you really want to hear their concerns.
Bring a blend of task and relationship focus to the conversation. Move towards them.
Like the directing style, Problem-Solvers need information about what is going on from others and get anxious if others pull away without providing information about what is going on. Don’t withdraw or move away without giving a clear explanation (e.g., “I want to go for a walk for half an hour to think things through, then I’ll come back and we can talk some more.”).
DIRECTING STYLE
High assertiveness with High affirmation
“We’re doing it my way...”
I win and you lose.
Strategies: Discourage disagreement, persuade, be firm, set limits and consequences, cite
policy, insist, repeat, control, be inaccessible.
Source of power: From position, role, control of resources.
Benefits: Speed, decisiveness, preservation of important values, stability, essential in times of crisis (no time to negotiate duties when the ship is sinking)
Costs when over-used: Destruction of relationships, hierarchical relationships, loss of cooperation from others, atrophy of gifts in others; anger, depression, and diminished self-respect in others, stagnation due to resentment in others; reduced emotional and spiritual growth in the one using this style since others are not capable of challenging them.
How to bring out the best in someone who scores high in Directing
People who use the Directing style a lot are task oriented. They are usually highly
productive and concerned to get the job done. Engage them and let them know you
are committed to getting the job done or resolving the issue satisfactorily. If you need time to think things through or cool down, they are usually fine if you ask for this, so long as you indicate clearly a commitment to returning to resolve things. You will get a more positive response if you state specifically when you will come back (e.g., in an hour, or tomorrow at nine o’clock, etc).
Though their task focus makes it easy to forget the feelings and needs of others, many Directors feel deeply responsible for those around them and may be quite devastated when they realize they have wounded them. Remind them about the needs of others – but preferably not in the middle of a big job!
Don’t go silent or passive. Don’t withdraw without giving some clue about where you stand. Lack of information about this will increase their anxiety and anger.
A Directing person who is angry can be very intimidating, for this style is the most
active, and “in your face” when anger is high. If this person has a history of abusing others emotionally or otherwise and holds more power than you, look for a path to safety or shelter. If the person is basically healthy emotionally, simply asking for a chance to cool off and think often helps, so long as you state clearly your intention to return and work on things.
COMPROMISING STYLE
Medium assertiveness with Medium affirmation
I'll meet you halfway...
I win some and you win some.
Strategies: Urge moderation, bargain, split the difference, find a little something for everyone,
meet them halfway.
Source of power: From moderation and pragmatism.
Benefits: Relatively fast, enables the show to go on, provides a way out of stalemate, readily understood by most people, builds atmosphere of cooperation.
Costs when over-used: Mediocrity and blandness, possibility of unprincipled agreements, likelihood of patching symptoms and ignoring causes; everyone gets a little, but no one is really happy.
How to bring out the best in someone who scores high in Compromising
Compromisers have a strong sense of reciprocity. More than other styles, they are likely to respond in kind if you back off somewhat from your initial position. Leave room to negotiate when you make your opening request.
Compromisers value fairness and moderation. Use language like “being fair”, “fair play”, “reasonable”, “you give some, I give some”, “give and take”, etc.
Compromisers tend to value efficiency of time and energy and are eager to find a way through to a practical solution that ends the difficulty. A sense that a fair and moderate deal was achieved probably matters more than talking through all options.
As the Compromiser does not enjoy prolonged debate, a determined partner in Directing style may with strong logic be able to persuade her she is wrong, creating an appearance the more forceful person has “won”. However the victory may be hollow. The Compromiser’s deep inner sense that conclusions should be reciprocal and balanced will be disturbed. Trust, openness and cooperativeness will suffer on the long-term. Find concessions for the Compromiser, even if you are sure your argument is stronger.
AVOIDING STYLE
Low assertiveness with Low affirmation
“Let’s not make a big deal out of this.”
I lose and you lose.
Strategies: Withdraw, delay or avoid response, divert attention, suppress personal emotions, be inaccessible, be inscrutable.
Source of power: From calmness, silence, non-cooperation, being unavailable or “above it all.”
Benefits: Freedom from entanglement in trivial issues or insignificant relationships, stability, preservation of status quo, ability to influence or block others without actively doing anything.
Costs when over-used: Periodic explosions of pent-up anger, “long stretches of cottony silence punctuated by terrifying explosions,” slow death of relationships, residue of negative feelings, stagnation and dullness, loss of accountability, sapped energy.
How to bring out the best in someone who scores high in Avoiding
Avoiders benefit more than any other style from an offer to give them time and/or space to withdraw and think things through. You are much more likely to get a “yes” answer about anything you need from them if you use a “two-step” approach. The first step is to let Avoiders know you want something from them and you’d like them to think about this. Then come back later – an hour, a day, a week - and hear their response.
Stay low-key. The more intense or demanding you are, the more likely the Avoider will go into major withdrawal.
There is a significant subgroup of conflict Avoiders who are actually quite task focused, but in a particular way. They bring a high level of caution and attention to detail to everything they do; they are concerned not to put important things at risk. They are highly focused on data, information, or preserving hard-won resources or traditions. Look for ways to provide them with information – about plans, options, costs, rules, anticipated results or consequences,
precedents, dates, etc. Part of what they need is to see that others take seriously the concern to avoid risks, for they see these more clearly than anyone else. By providing them with information, you help them to know that you, too, have your eyes open.
Haste in decision making tends to push Avoiders into withdrawal or analysis paralysis. Move slowly, one step at a time.
HARMONIZING STYLE
Low assertiveness with High affirmation
“Sure, I’m flexible ...”
You win and I lose.
Strategies: Agree, support, acknowledge error, give in, convince self it’s no big deal, placate.
Source of power: From relationships or approval of others.
Benefits: Wins approval and appreciation of others, creates pleasant atmosphere, likable to others, gives freedom from hassle (in the short run at least); fosters self-discipline of ego.
Costs when over-used: Frustration for others who wish to problem-solve, resentment and depression in the harmonizer; stunted growth of personal gifts, over-dependence on others; denies others the benefit of healthy confrontation, possible acceptance of patterns or behaviors that ought to be challenged.
How to bring out the best in someone who scores high in Harmonizing
Harmonizers want to please and be pleased. Pay attention to small social niceties. More than any other style, Harmonizers will be positively affected by gestures of thoughtfulness – a kind note, an appreciative comment, flowers, a chocolate bar,
a card, etc.
You will get more cooperativeness in doing serious work with Harmonizers if you use a twostep approach. First, connect with them at a human level (ask how they are doing, inquire about a family member, tease a little, thank them for something, etc.), Then, and only then, settle down to business. The human connection always comes before work for Harmonizers (an insight that is especially difficult for task-oriented Directors to remember).
Stay light, light, light. Seriousness or heaviness in others quickly stirs anxiety in Harmonizers and makes it hard for them to function well. Use humor. Appreciate their good qualities out loud.
Assure them repeatedly that you really want to know their preferences and views. Thank them sincerely if they do level with you. If they bring criticism, thank them generously – it requires great effort for Harmonizers to be direct about anything negative.
In meetings or extended conversations with Harmonizers, take breaks and lighten up on a regular basis. Long, heavy discussion unsettles Harmonizers and pushes them to unhelpful places more quickly than other styles.
Any comments? Drop me an email.
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